Yes, Our Teeth and Ambitions are Bared!

For actors, preparation is the key to success. Whether you are preparing for the audition, callback, rehearsals, or show. It’s all about the process and finding character, relationships, themes etc. So if rehearsing is one of the most important aspects of our lives…why don’t people do it before an audition?!?!

So let’s start with monologue choice. It’s just about the hardest thing to do for an audition because there are so many plays, characters, and speeches that can be done. Let me tell you right now though, there are some things you should NEVER do! (And yes, I am saying all of these things because I have seen them done in an audition. Eves dropping may be punishable in middle school, but there are no teachers in the holding room!)

1. Accents when one is not asked of you. A Russian “To Kill a Mockingbird”? I think not….
2. No one cares about what your grandmother left you in her will, what you did four summers ago, or how you felt about your second grade boyfriend. I think we are all capable of telling stories. Please, try to “do” something to the person  on the other side of your monologue besides making them listen to a pointless story from a billion years ago.
3. Guess what? A two minute or less monologue means two minutes or less….not three minutes, not two minutes 20 seconds. 2 minutes. Period.
4.  How would you feel if you were screamed at first thing in the morning? What about after watching 200 some auditions? You wouldn’t? Yeah, I don’t think the auditioners do either, so refrain from monologues that sound like this “Fuck you for ruining my life! I never want to speak with you again!” (Hint: they probably won’t).

Now that you know how not to choose a monologue, perhaps you should make sure you know how to present yourself in an audition. This segment I will base off of the tv show of the same name, What NOT to Wear.

1.  If you are above the age of 55, with extremely large, sagging boobs, don’t wear a see through white dress that barely covers those boobs and shows your black thong underneath. It scares the other actors.
2.  Wearing a huge black tango skirt is appropriate when you are salsa dancing or need to hide a third leg.
3.  Going with a bold choice to wear a bright purple shirt and rainbow suspenders in your headshot is one thing. Wearing that same outfit to the audition, is another.
4.  If I can see your blue bra very clearly underneath your intentionally ripped down the front shirt, so can the casting director.

This isn’t brain surgery, people. Do you need me to buy you a mirror? Or do you think that’s actually “you at your best”? Maybe your friends should sign you up for What Not to Wear.

Lastly, I will briefly touch on headshots and resumes since this is what you will be sending to casting directors long before they even see your beautiful face.

1. We are currently in the year 2011. That means that things are no longer black and white and your headshot shouldn’t be either. Please run to the nearest headshot photographer and get your photos redone if this is the case.
2.  When cropping your photo you want to make sure your whole head is in the picture not just your face from the top of your forehead to your chin. You might also want to, ya know, Photoshop all the acne on your face, out of it.
3. Wow, what a beautiful 30-year-old woman in that picture. Hm, that’s weird, the person standing in that spot in line is at least 50. Sweetheart, it’s time for new headshots.
4.  Sure, you should staple your resume to the back of your headshot, but please don’t staple a cover letter as well…
5.  Really, everyone wants to know your height, weight, DOB, weight at birth, height in heels, dress size when you haven’t eaten for a week, the length from your elbow to your wrist…need I go on? Give them your name, phone number, and email! That’s it!
6.  To go along with number 5. Including your hair and eye color is just insulting the auditioners. THAT’S WHY THERE IS A HEADSHOT ATTACHED!

Hopefully, this advice was not new to you, but gave you a boost of confidence knowing that professional NY actors have made these mistakes, thus you must be smarter than at least some of them! Just being ready for an audition, already puts you ahead in the game.

P.S Yes, the title is a lyric from Lion King’s “Be Prepared” song. Ten points to gryffindor if you got the reference! 

There’s No Business Like Show Business (except maybe corporations)

**As (you) stumble along through life’s crazy journey** if you find yourself thinking **it’s the hard knock life** and instead you are being **pulled in a new direction**, **follow your heart** and try to start working for **money money money**

I have been fortunate enough to spend the past two weekends on mini vacation, and yet because I am an actor, I found plenty of time to be thinking about theatre, auditioning, and acting. I went back to college (**life was so simple back then**) and hung out largely with the theatre crowd. I had the chance to see a show, visit a class, improv with friends, and work on one of my audition monologues. Of course, many of my conversations were about the shows I’d seen, the last play I auditioned for, and yes, occasionally busting out into some musical theatre song. We are theatre majors, and as much as we hate the stereotype, it’s true.  A large majority of my conversations went something like this:

Vaguely interested person: So, have you got in anything yet?

Me: I’ve understudied, but no part yet.

Less interested person: Oh, okay. Well, do you have a job?

Me: I babysit!

Now non-interested person: Cool. Well, good luck with that.

Then, this past weekend, I went to Punkin Chunkin in Delaware with a group of mostly graduated engineering majors. Their conversations were about how happy they were with their new full time **working 9 to 5** jobs that make money and allow them to have stock, savings accounts, and money for food. I listened, and nodded, like “yeah, I totally understand that!” when really all I was thinking is “Damn it!! Why couldn’t I be happy doing some job that actually makes money!!!” So here is where I give you advice you’ve heard over and over again: Find something you love that isn’t in the arts. I plan on letting my future kids pursue whatever they want, but dear god I pray that it is something like business or engineering. (Mom and Dad, god bless you for letting me be a crazy theatre actor)

Now, don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t be happier with my low-income life style. I love waking up to audition at 6am, and babysitting kids I feel like are my own, and eating Ramen noodles often. It’s completely worth it for me. I mean, geez, at least there is money in film, but NO, I have to love the “live” stuff!  So, why do I love theatre? How come I can’t be happy doing something else (at least just yet)? Because performing is the greatest feeling in the world. Because of the insane thrill of heated lights on my face, a crowd on the edge of their seats, and a chance to be anything I create. **I believe that God has a plan for all of us** And so I wrote this to myself after graduation, and I will share it with the other actors who perhaps feel the same way.

You are an actor: Because your whole body yearns to perform. To speak someone else’s words, to create an entirely new character that can live through only you, and to touch the lives of the audience. You love theatre because it is a service job and because it fulfills every ounce of your being and brings you a rush of feeling and ecstasy that cannot be found in any other aspect of your life.

Ultimately, I can report that I didn’t say much in the conversations involving finance, upscale apartments, and retirement plans. But I did love knowing that these people were completely happy with what they were doing, just as I am completely happy with what I am pursuing!

So in the words of an obnoxious theatre major, I will quote another musical “**If you want to be a dancer, dance. If you want to be a miner, mine**” but I sincerely hope that you don’t want to go into the arts so that you are not poor the rest of your life.

**Living up to my stereotype: Musical Theatre References

***For the record, most theatre people hate this stereotype because we don’t actually all start busting out into song***